she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
