I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
