I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
