I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
