Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Never joke about your clitoris.
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