those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
