if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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