About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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