i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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