ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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