The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
