OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
