I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
