When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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