i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
