I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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