my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
