If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
