I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
