just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
