the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
