just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
