Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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