I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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