the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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