I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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