I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
