He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
