i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
