im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
what if I'm pregnant?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..