Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
