so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
