So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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