If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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