i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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