the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
