there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
