I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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