Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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