We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
