i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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