So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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