five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
