no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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