fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
