I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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