So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
