my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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