I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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