the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
