Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
