I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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