You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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