I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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