What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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